It's hard to explain how alone I feel sometimes, even when I'm constantly surrounded by people. I live in a house with 30 girls, and even when my roommate and her BFF are sitting across from me, the two living in the room connected to ours are walking in and out and voices are flowing strongly and clearly up the stairwell that leads to my bed, I feel like I'm in a bubble. I feel invisible.

I know I'm not one of those girls. I'm not your typical sorority girl - the girl always surrounded by sisters, always latching arms with another, smiling, laughing, impeccable posture holding up a confident face. The one who absorbs the constant flow of energy emitted by our letters, and uses it to boost herself onto the pedestal with everyone else. The one with the poise, grace, class and sophistication I feel I fake well. I'm not that. I've accepted the fact I never will be.

It's hard for me trying to be the person I feel I ought to be and being who I am. I don't like who I really am a lot of the times. Inside I feel I am introverted, quiet and dark. I'm oversensitive, depressed, anxious, and jealous. I want to burst out of this and have the spirit I adore so much in others. I don't like being a dark person, but it's hard for me not to be. The worst part is that no matter how hard my sisters try to understand me, they never will. They reach out to a certain extent, but I block them off from the rest. I open up a little bit at a time, then close off. Some try to reach out to me, but they're only going to try so hard. I block them out. I don't try to. I just do.

I feel like the amazing women in this house just don't understand me and why I do the things I do. They don't understand that it's hard for me to just be happy all the time. I've faked it well up until now, but living in this house, I can't hide. I can't fake it. I can only rant in a blog that no one in my house knows exists.

I'm not that sorority girl. I am the one that pretends to be.